Divorcing your spouse is a process. And it’s not always an easy process, even if you are more than ready to say goodbye to your former partner. How to cope financially, find a new home or manage being newly single are just some of the challenges you may face. In this article, we look at what you can do as a parent to protect your child during divorce.
Communicate clearly
Most children, especially young children, will not understand why their parents are separating. All they will know is that their world has changed. Where possible, it is always advisable to speak to your children together with your spouse when you are talking about your divorce, and you should, of course, take their age and personality into account. For teenagers, make it clear that they do not need to pick sides, that you are in agreement that you all want to move forward positively, and reiterate the things that all the things important to them will not change. For instance, they will continue to see their friends, go to their usual sports clubs and see all their relatives. Younger children have less of an awareness of what is going on. Preschoolers will need to have basic explanations of what will be happening, where they will live and who will be looking after them and when. In every case, it is naturally very important for your child to know that they are still loved by both parents.
Keep things amicable with your former spouse
Many divorces can lead to ill-feeling between spouses and it can be challenging to keep matters friendly. You may have tried to discuss things cordially with your ex, only for it to end in conflict. When this is the case, it is imperative that you do not expose your children to heated arguments or exchanges. Children will pick up on negative behavior, even when they may not understand the full context of it. This could have a lasting and damaging effect on them in the future. According to Evolve, conflict between parents can ‘fuel a fear of abandonment’ in children and potentially increase their risk of mental health problems. Demonstrating to your children that you can be on good terms with their other parent will be a solid role model for them to refer to as they grow up, and provide them with the stability they need.
Don’t use your children as go-betweens
Similarly, if your conflict is ongoing, you should not resort to involving your children by asking them to send messages to their other parent. Look for other ways to communicate with them, for example, writing a letter or using a contact/handover book can help you put your points across more clearly. Ensure your words are chosen carefully, and if you are unhappy with something they say to you, take time to send your response.
Also, when your children return from spending time with their other parent, don’t ask them about what is happening there, otherwise they will feel as if they are being asked to act as a spy. Often, messages can lose their meaning when being passed through another person, and can put a significant emotional burden on children.
In summary
Although you will have your own needs to look after during a divorce, your children’s feelings are likely to be your main concern. By looking after their emotional well-being, not exposing them to conflict and keeping communication clear and positive with their other parent, you will have a better chance of them coming through the other side of a divorce secure and happy.
